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[Aug. 22nd, 2010|08:18 pm] |
I had the most wonderful dream the other night. It was the most simple dream: I was laying down on a picnic rug, staring up at the clouds. Playing that game you play as a kid, finding pictures in the sky. It's a dream I've had before, and I usually wake up feeling lonely, because when I played that game as a child, I never did it alone. But this time I wasn't alone: I was with Zane, curled up next to him with his hand in mine, pointing out the things I saw, and being shown things as well.
We got engaged on my birthday - I was keeping fairly quiet about it at first, because it's a precious thing, the experience of being proposed to. I suppose I was a little selfish about it, wanting to hold that experience close and not share with everybody. But typical of me, I don't keep secrets long. The truth is, that I'm so impossibly in love that I want to tell everybody about it. Gush about all of the little things I love about him. And the big things. And the middle sized things. Everything, really.
I was never one of those people that believed in love, you know. I'd have friends that would fall in love, and I'd scoff at them, and give them that speech where you tell them that love is just wanting somebody to think that you're special, when you're not, really. Hormones and lust and loneliness, all mingled into wanting what they thought other people had. And then I met Zane, and before I even met him I knew we'd be friends. And then I did meet him, and by the end of two hours I knew that I wanted friendship, at least. And now I'm a firm believer in true love, and I know that it's real, and I've become one of those people who talks about their significant other in virtually every conversation. Not that it's a bad thing: as conversational topics go, Zane is never a boring one.
Honestly, I can't get over how perfect life is right now. At first there was a small level of worry attached to it: a new life in a new town, a job to look forward to, the most perfect partner imaginable. I'm not the sort of person who has had things like this: genuine friendship and people to love. And then I met him and my world turned 180 degrees. Now I'm about to be an almost-father, I have contact with my daughter, which is a wonderful thing, I have good friends, a home I'm happy in, and Z. I spoke to my Auntie Eligh on the phone the other day, and talked to her about it, and she said that it was time I 'bucked my ideas up' and decided to be happy. She was terribly amusing: as my auntie, she's overjoyed that I'm in love and settling down, but as a nun, she had to add that she'd pray for my immortal soul. She also asked for photographs of my 'lovely new family', to be taken and emailed to her the minute the babies are born, bless her.
I've been thinking about Siobhan a lot lately - letting myself think about her, wondering how she'll view my new and improved life. I think she'd be happy, to be honest, but she'd be happy at her own expense - she always said that divorce was only a legal thing, and that she was still married in the eyes of God. Catholics, Lord love us. If it's not guilt from church, we're taught at an early age to do it to ourselves. At least I've freed myself of that particular burden. I'm fully convinced that if God didn't want me dating men, he wouldn't have made me like them so much. ;) |
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